I breathed in deeply as I rested my head against Edward's chest enjoying the feeling of his warm body against mine. He smelled like clean, however slightly sweaty and grubby boy and I loved it. I knew what I was doing was wrong. I knew I shouldn't be toying with his head when he had obviously started to have feelings for me, but I couldn't help myself. He made me feel good.
And not just in the sexual kind of way either. For the first time in my life I found myself craving not only a man’s dick, but also his voice and his smell and the feeling of his arms wrapped around my body. It was becoming like a drug to me. My Edward drug and I couldn't get enough. More than once today I had slipped up and reached for his hand, weaving my fingers with his and selfishly thrilling at the buzz of electricity that coursed through my veins. Each time I had done this I had seen him smile slightly, the corner of his mouth pulling up just enough that I took notice. Fuck I was even noticing how he smiled. I rarely even looked at their faces, what was I doing?
Even Katie had noticed something was up with me. On the way back to the truck she had immediately grabbed me and starting hissing in my ear about, "knowing my role, and knowing his role, and not getting emotionally involved."
I knew she was right. I knew better than anyone and yet I couldn't seem to stop the forward momentum of this 'thing' I had with Edward.
"Bells, you are in so much deep shit with that boy right now." Katie had said to me as she pulled a t-shirt over her head, her long hair sticking up in every direction as she scowled at me. She threw me a disapproving look when I started to giggle. "I'm serious. You are publicly showing affection for him and you know that is like, rule number one. No, it's like...the rule before rule number one."
She was 100% right. I had taken it to the next level. I had shown him affection in public in front of his friends. Now I was forced to make a decision. I could either cut ties with him now. Stop all of this nonsense before someone got hurt, or I could try my best at a relationship with him. The problem was, a sex addict's version of a relationship is beyond fucked up. I would be able to pull it off for a while and even keep Edward fooled but eventually the addict in me would take over and I would be compelled to hunt. I would wind up hurting him and I really didn't want to do that. Especially since if history repeated itself I would end up fucking one of his friends. Most likely Jasper. Fuck me that boy was hot.
I shook my head to clear the mental images that immediately flooded my brain of me getting fucked by both Jasper and Edward at the same time and nuzzled my nose into Edward's chest smiling to myself.
"You ready for some food?" He asked me his voice mumbled because his lips were pressed into my hair.
I nodded. "Shit yeah."
"Ok, we are not all going to fit into one car. Do you want to ride with Katie and Jake?" Edward asked and I looked up and saw Katie glaring at me her features frozen in a death stare. She started dragging her index finger across her throat threateningly and glanced at Jacob. "Or with me and the guys?"
I looked up into Edwards hopeful eyes and sighed. How could I say no to that look? "I'll just ride with you. Is that ok Kate? You ok with Jake?"
"Totally ok! Thanks Bells." She said cheerfully winking at me. "Maybe you and Edward should drive the truck so you don't have to come back here after dinner."
I looked up at Edward and he shrugged. "I'm ok with that."
"Alright, lets just fucking go already." Emmett clapped his hands and started walking away singing something about chicken pot pie. I couldn't help but laugh. He was a goofy guy, but endlessly entertaining.
As I pulled the truck into a parking space in front of Bella Italia I immediately felt underdressed. The restaurant looked expensive and I quickly glanced at Edward to see if he had the same thought, but he wasn't paying attention and didn't seem phased at all.
I opened the door and jumped out feeling slightly anxious about eating food in a public place with Edward. I knew it was stupid but I stuck to the rules for a reason. And at this point I was throwing all of my rules out the window, and for what exactly I wasn't sure yet. I tried to wipe the look of panic off my face as Edward walked around the truck towards me. He stood very close and he tentatively placed his hand in mine. I looked down at our entwined fingers and back up at him and I noticed that he was looking at me strangely, almost as if he were asking permission.
I squeezed his hand gently as if to say 'yes', and hand in hand we walked into the restaurant. As we walked through the front door there was a massive uproar of greetings from a booth in the far corner. Looking over I could see Katie sandwiched right in the middle of three kids who looked like they were from the reservation. One of them was Jake, the other two I didn’t know, but all of them were so enormous I had a hard time believing they were high school students. They weren’t fat, they were just abnormally tall and built, their muscles obvious under tight t-shirts. Beside them sat Jasper and Emmett, who looked rather cozy themselves with two girls I didn't recognize.
Edward pushed Jasper over and squeezed in next to him making room for me beside him. I sat down tentatively and I immediately reached for Edwards hand again hating every second when he wasn't touching me. He looked over at me curiously for a moment before smiling his quirky smile and turning to Jasper.
"So what the fuck was up with Newton man? I thought for sure that douche was going to clock me in my jaw." He said with a loud laugh.
"No way dude, Mike’s a pussy – you know that. Besides, I think Bella took care of him for us." Emmett laughed loudly, snapping me out of my Edward induced fuzzy daydream.
Edward and Jasper both started laughing and quickly recalled the events of the day for the rest of the people at the table.
"Seriously, I thought he was gonna wet his pants. What a puss…" Jasper said through bouts of laughter. "And then here comes little Bella out of no where like a fucking sniper with her Call of Duty stats. Seriously how the hell do you know all that shit?"
"I'm just that cool." I said with a smile.
"She is being modest. This girl is a fucking Call of Duty wizard." Katie exclaimed her eyes flashing. "She could play any of you jackasses under the table."
"It's true. I've played with her." Edward nodded in agreement.
"Yeah dude. We know you've played with her but what the fuck does that have to do with Call of Duty." Emmett snorted and then high fived Jake from across the table.
"Em, dude why do you have to be like that." Edward said angrily and I could tell he was trying to protect me from getting embarrassed. He hadn't yet realized that I don't get embarrassed.
"It's ok Edward. He's right." I said with a sly smile. I leaned over Edward and lowered my voice. "And to tell you the honest fucking truth. Your boy here is packing some serious heat. I mean, if we want to start talking about wizards..." I let my voice trail off and I winked at Emmett.
He just stared at me with his jaw hanging open. He turned to Jasper who just shrugged at him and started laughing. "Apparently Edward is the man."
I glanced over and saw Katie leaning over so far she was practically in Jake's lap and I could only imagine what was happening, because I couldn't see her hand under the table. Katie was obviously in her element. She was surrounded by boys from the reservation, all whom were quite good looking and seemed to be into Halo 3...her specialty. I’d never seen her so riled up and I knew it wouldn’t be long until she took one of them out back, if not all three of them.
She tore herself away from batting her eyelids for a moment and crawled across Jacobs lap so she could whisper into my ear. I saw Jacob smile and slide his hand up her thigh and between her legs. I'm guessing he thought no one could see him because he was trying to be stealthy. I felt a stab of jealousy.
"Listen, Jake and the guys have asked if I wanna go to a bonfire their having tonight down on the rez." She said the word like she was a regular visitor, although I was pretty sure Katie had never even seen a reservation before, let alone visited one. "Jakes going down early to get beer, we were just gonna grab take out and head on down? That cool?"
I heard Edward clear his throat and I realized he had heard all of her frantic whispers.
"It's fine with me." He said. "But I would really like to eat here. Do you mind if Bella and I catch up with you guys later?"
She looked at me closely reading my face for confirmation that it was ok and then shook her head in agreement. "As long as it is cool with Bells it's cool with me. " She pulled herself closer to me so only I could hear. "Seriously, oh my god, Jake is amazing. I need him."
I smiled at my friend, I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to get her to go home the way things were going. Then again, there were only so many Halo gamers in town – she’d need to leave as soon as her supply dried up.
Jasper and Emmett decided to head on with Jake and Katie. I had a slight suspicion that this was partly down to the "fuck off" stare that Edward had thrown them when at first Emmett had mentioned staying for his favorite "fucking better than sex lasagna".
We both waved goodbye to everyone as they filed out of the restaurant, their loud voices and laughter following them into the parking lot. I scooted round to the other side of the booth once they all left, allowing me space to see Edward fully. This had officially turned into a date, and though I knew I should stop it now before it went any further, a part of me wanted to see where it was going. I was nervous as hell.
Edward handed me the menu and as I flipped it open to glance at the selections I immediately felt awkward. My first impression of the restaurant had been correct; it was expensive. I wasn’t worried about myself, it was Edward. I knew he wasn’t the richest guy around, whereas I had plenty of money. My mother made her living as a PR rep for some huge global company based out of Florida. I didn’t know the name of it, and I didn’t care, all I knew was there was a deposit of money in my account at the end of each month and that there was a very healthy trust fund awaiting my twenty-first birthday.
"Bella? What do you want to eat?" Edward asked tapping me on the arm. I hadn't even realized that the waiter had appeared and was waiting.
I snapped out of my thoughts and directed my attention to the menu again.
"The lasagna is a particular favorite of mine." The waiter said stepping close to me and leaning over my shoulder. I wrinkled my nose when I got suddenly caught a waft of really bad cologne and I glanced up at him briefly and almost laughed at what I saw. that he looked like a sleazy stereotypical Italian wannabe. His hair had so much gel in it I wondered if it would break off if I touched it and he was wearing a smedium top that was so tight I was afraid it must be cutting off circulation. He was standing entirely too close to me and staring down the front of my v-neck t-shirt. I concentrated hard on the menu trying to ignore him.
"Mushroom ravioli please, and a coke." I closed the menu and handed it to the waiter without looking at him. As he grabbed it his hand grazed mine and I couldn't help but shudder. Men could be so gross.
By the time the food arrived I felt sick to my stomach, and I knew I couldn’t eat. Edward, having ordered the same as I, started to play around with his food, lifting the pasta up on his fork and allowing it to drop in a tiny splatter on his plate.
"You should eat; you’ve had a big day." I mumbled to him, hoping it didn't sound like I was nagging.
He looked at me, a weird expression on his face. With a sigh he dropped his fork and put his hands together.
"I’ll eat…if you talk." He said with a smirk.
"Talk? About what?" I asked, curious as to what the hell he was talking about.
"I want to know the truth." He said bluntly. "Look, I don’t care, and I really can’t say I mind what we’re doing at the moment. I just want you to be honest with me, and tell me where I stand."
I blinked at him in shock, pushing my plate away I began slurping down my coke nervously. He watched me patiently his normally very expressive eyebrows giving me nothing as I tried to read his face.
"Oh…" Was all I could muster after a minute had gone by.
When I still didn't speak, Edward lifted his fork in a gesture.
"Well? What’s it gonna be?" he asked pointing at me and then at the food.
"I don’t know what you want me to say..." I took another long sip of my soda attempting to hide how nervous I really was.
"Just tell me how you feel." He said simply, putting a piece of pasta on his fork and plopping it into his mouth. It was clear he wasn’t going to chew until I spoke.
"You know how I feel. You know my problem." I started. As I spoke I noticed he began to chew so I continued, "It's just really... complicated."
"Tell me." He encouraged lifting another bite into his mouth.
I could feel myself blushing profusely. Never before had anyone asked how I felt, and I never realized talking about my feelings would make me so uncomfortable. I didn’t even remember asking myself how I felt, so I really had no clue what to say. My silence grew longer, and I could tell he was becoming impatient.
"Give me a minute ok?" I said and I could tell that my truthful request had satisfied him for now. I was going to talk and all he needed to do was be patient. His expression immediately changed back to calm and he threw another piece of pasta into his mouth and began to chew slowly.
I finished off my coke, slurping loudly as I tried to drain the last drops out of the glass. I was so nervous that all the moisture had been completely sucked out of my body and I was so thirsty I could barely concentrate on anything else. I needed more soda, and quick.
"Are you gonna drink this?" I gestured to Edwards coke.
Before he could answer, I grabbed the glass and began drinking it without the straw. Gulping it down, I finished it off without taking a breath. My thirst quenched I began to think of how to put my feelings into a sentence. I was about to begin to speak when the waiter appeared again. Edward ordered two more cokes for us and he had asked was there anything wrong with my food and I said I just wasn’t hungry. I offered to pay for it anyway but the waiter abruptly took the plate and murmured there was no need, walking back into the kitchen before I could look at him.
"Where were we?" Edward asked not letting me get distracted for even a second. He began playing with his food again which made me roll my eyes and sigh in exasperation.
"Honestly?" I started, "I don’t know what we are. I don’t know what I’m doing either. I’m sorry."
I hung my head, I felt so ashamed of myself. I had led this poor boy on and now I had to sit here and crush him. I could have kicked myself for being so fucking stupid. Katie was right all along. There was a reason why rule number one was not getting emotionally involved.
"I..don’t want to hurt you." I said quietly, looking at the table. "I don’t know what I’m playing at. I know I should stop. But I can’t. I…" I paused, unable to believe that the words I were about to utter were really coming out so easily. "I like you."
I swallowed nervously and looked up at Edward. He was no longer eating and his fork was perched on the edge of his plate. His face didn’t show any emotion and I had a feeling he was purposely holding himself back so I would continue.
"Edward, you have to understand…before you…those other guys.. It was a one time thing. With you though..It’s different." I could feel myself blushing harder and harder with each word, "I don’t know why I like you, I just do. I'm obviously masochistic."
I continued to ramble on not able to stop the words as they came tumbling from my mouth.
"I’ve never felt this way about someone before, I don’t even look at the guy after I’ve gotten my way. Yet here I am, on what is clearly a date with you after spending the day with you and most of last night on Xbox with…" I stopped and heaved a sigh. I needed to collect my thoughts, I needed to stop rambling. I looked up at him and hoped he could see how difficult this was for me. "I’ve done a lot of things I’m not proud of, but that’s who I am. I do these things and I’ve tried to change but it never works. I’m an addict, I’m sick and I know if we continue with the way things are going you will end up hurt. I can’t let that happen. But at the same time..I can’t stay away from you. Frankly, I’m tired of trying."
I was finished. Edward hadn’t moved a muscle throughout my entire speech, even when I’d finished he remained still.
"I’m done…?" I said lightly, laughing nervously.
I was about to ask if he was ok when the waiter came with our bill. I took it without even looking at him and placed a couple of notes inside the wallet and handed it back to him, keeping my eyes focused on Edward.
This was one of those times where it irritated me like fuck I couldn’t hear peoples thoughts.